🦹 The Villains of Late Payment
A cautionary tale from the Secret Diary of a Credit Controller
There are many kinds of late payers. Some forget. Some delay. And some… are pure evil.
Every credit controller has met them — from royal defaulters to boardroom ghosters. These are the Ten Villains of Late Payment — and what they can teach us about getting paid on time.
👑 1. Charles I — The Default King
Borrowed from Parliament, refused to pay, and lost his head over the dispute.
Lesson: When you ignore your creditors, expect… consequences. Communicate early before things get revolutionary.
✒️ 2. Lord Byron — The Romantic Defaulter
Wrote poems about heartbreak while breaking hearts in the accounts department. Forever “awaiting funds from a publisher.”
Lesson: Charm doesn’t pay invoices. Credit terms need less poetry and more punctuality.
✒️ 3. King Louis XVI — The Lavish Non-Payer
Built Versailles, hosted endless parties, forgot to pay the bills. Ended up bankrupt — and headless.
Lesson: Overstretching cashflow is the oldest credit risk in the book. Don’t confuse opulence with solvency.
🕵️♂️4. The “Accounts Are Away” Guy
Mysteriously absent every time payment’s due. “Accounts are on annual leave” — apparently since 2021.
Lesson: Escalate before you evaporate. Always find a second contact.
🌌5. Darth Vader — The Forceful Negotiator
Promised to pay “by the end of the quarter.” The quarter ended — along with the credit controller.
Lesson: Stay calm, stay factual, and never be intimidated by dark-side tactics.
👻 6. The Ghoster
Reads your emails, likes your LinkedIn posts, but never replies to your invoice reminder.
Lesson: Persistence beats passivity. Keep records, follow a timeline, and escalate before the trail goes cold.
💣 7. Thanos — The Cosmic Cost-Cutter
Said he’d “balance the books.” Wiped out half your receivables instead.
Lesson: Don’t wait to be snapped. Shorter terms and firmer follow-up protect your cashflow.
🏛️ 8. King Henry VIII — The Monastery Liquidator
When the monasteries asked for payment, he simply… dissolved them.
Lesson: Some clients will burn bridges instead of settling up. The trick is spotting them before they swing the axe.
💼 9. The Eternal Startup
“We’re pre-revenue, but post-excuses.” Always raising funds, never raising cheques.
Lesson: Optimism is not an asset. Check creditworthiness before extending terms.
💻 10. The Serial Quibbler
“There’s a typo on page 7.” “We didn’t receive the attachment.” “Our system doesn’t recognise PDFs.”
Lesson: Don’t get stuck in an excuse loop. Confirm receipt, clarify approval, and set clear deadlines.
🧾 The Credit Controller’s Closing Thought
From Charles I to the guy whose “accounts team” has vanished into the ether, one truth endures:
Late payment isn’t new — it’s just got better Wi-Fi.
At CPA, we’ve been helping businesses outsmart villains like these since 1914 — with professional collection, membership support, and pre-legal recovery that keeps your cashflow healthy (and your head firmly attached).
👉 Protect your business from modern-day villains of late payment.
Just call Peter Uwins, CPA’s National Sales Manager, on ️ 020 8846 0000 (business hours) or email nsm@cpa.co.uk today.